You Want What?
by lunakatrina
Summary: Harry is being forced to bond with Snape, but Harry isn't going to sit back and let that happen! ...Seriously...he's not
1. In which Harry decides there are some th

I got a bit ticked while reading yet another forced bond fic and I wondered if Harry really didn't want the bond then why didn't he do anything about it? I mean hello this is Harry we're talking about here, he doesn't like to sit around and let things happen to him so I wrote a fic where he does something about the bond that's being forced upon him.

And it wasn't supposed to be funny…and then Snape opened his mouth…which is an oxymoron if I ever heard one, but it's true.

I wish I owned Harry Potter and then everyone would really, really wish I didn't.

**You Want What?**

_In which Harry decides there are some things are far, far worse than death_

Harry suddenly found himself unable to escape and in-between a rock and a hard place…somewhat literally.

"Headmaster," Harry said slowly, "I don't…think this is _the_ only way…"

"I assure you, my dear boy, that it is certainly the best way." Dumbledore replied confidently. "I understand it might be a bit distasteful—"

Harry scoffed, distasteful wasn't the word.

"—especially in the eyes of a young man like yourself who is only coming to realize the burgeoning potential of the world. However, this will apply a sense of certainty and guidance to your life—"

Never mind the application of a quite possibly perverted old man on his life, Harry's thoughts interrupted, and he again turned to look at the pointed stare on Snape's face…oh god, _Snape's face_ was butt ugly, Harry shook himself from that thought, there was no way in hell Harry would go along with this.

"In times to come, my dear boy, you may even find this to be a boon." Dumbledore completed serenely and sat there twinkling at Harry waiting for his assent or something. Harry decided to stall…it was a few hours off sunset and Dumbledore said something about the thing only being able to happen during daylight…he hoped he could stall long enough.

"What all does…it entail?" Harry asked softly, and pointedly avoided looking at Snape's…general area, lest he get sick. That idea had merit.

"It's a relatively simple ceremony," Dumbledore explained, "but it can only be broken with death—"

If Harry got sick he might die…

"And it does involve consummation—"

And if Harry died then he wouldn't have to have sex with Snape…

"Also, it is very important to note that the spell does not allow for any infidelity—"

And if Harry was dead he could sleep with whoever he wanted to, and Snape wouldn't have to be one of them…

"Also, I'm afraid an heir must be produced within the first eighteen months of the marriage—"

Harry didn't even want to know how that would work. He scrunched his eyes closed and tried to banish the bad mental images.

"Furthermore," Dumbledore declared, "because of certain reckless behavior you have taken part in, in the past, I felt it would be useful to allow Professor Snape certain liberties to contain such activities."

"And you're speaking in tongues to avoid telling me what exactly?" Harry demanded.

"I will be able to control your actions," Snape replied, his voice dull and only slightly hateful, his eyes boring into Harry's like a bomb…like the bomb he'd just dropped in fact. "If I deem them 'reckless' enough."

Harry didn't want to be dead now, now he wanted Dumbledore and Snape to die. He wanted them to die painfully and publicly and then watch from the afterlife as Harry walked away, no skipped away, and wasn't punished…unfortunately, this was only a fantasy.

Harry rubbed his eyes and noticed that it was no closer to being dark

"Really?" Harry asked, hoping to sound only half as angry as he felt. "So how does this ceremony work?"

Dumbledore glanced at the window and replied, "Well, it involves direct use of sunlight, in order to complete the blood binding potion that will be ingested and brewed ritualistically during the ceremony. This is how the bond forms, you see. Then there is a public witnessing of the vows—"

"Meaning we have sex in front of everyone," Snape explained, "in order to ensure that there is proper completion of the bond."

Dumbledore cleared his throat and looked exasperatedly at Snape.

"I do apologize for interrupting, headmaster," Snape replied. Dumbledore frowned.

"So, there need to be people here?" Harry asked.

"Indeed, my dear boy, and I have taken the liberty of inviting—"

Harry thanked the gods, "Can I see who you invited?"

Dumbledore appeared pleasantly surprised, "You're interested?"

"Oh yes!" Harry exclaimed, well, he was now! "It's my wedding right? I need to make sure you invited everyone!"

Snape choked on his plain Earl Grey.

Dumbledore beamed and produced the list.

Harry grabbed a quill right off Dumbledore's desk, "Now, I see you've invited Minister Fudge, I can't say I like the idea of him watching me and the good Professor get it on, may I?" Harry held the quill over the name, to mark it off.

"Well, he is minister of magic, it wouldn't be well looked upon," Dumbledore replied, sounding regretful.

"I see," Harry replied.

And so began the most boring two hours of Harry's life. Unfortunately, it wasn't dark enough yet so Harry had to move onto far worse topics.

"So," Harry asked, shuffling the edited invite list, "what are the colors?"

"I was thinking white and blue," Dumbledore replied.

"That's a bit too…" Harry struggled for a word and found Snape coming to his rescue.

"Not nearly dramatic enough to truly express our personalities."

"Exactly," Harry replied, "What about…pea green?"

"And burnt umber," Snape concluded, "they very accurately represent the sort of life we lead."

"I fully agree," though Harry had no idea what exactly burnt umber looked like.

Dumbledore appeared somewhat horrified, "If that's what you would like."

"Oh, I would," Harry replied quickly, "burnt umber and pea green, yes indeed."

"I agree also," Snape added.

Dumbledore coughed and changed the plans he had in front of him.

"I also wondered what we were going to wear," Harry implored, "which one of us is going to wear the dress?"

Harry felt very impressed with himself; he had shocked the English language out of Dumbledore's head.

"Because," Harry continued, "I'd always dreamed about wearing a burnt umber and pea green wedding dress."

Dumbledore swallowed, his winkled, breaded face slack with horror.

"I want a bustier, a pea green bustier, and a long Victorian style burnt umber dress underneath. But I want the sleeves to be tie dyed with pea green so both colors are present…can you do that too?"

Dumbledore nodded…but it looked painful.

"I also think I should do without panties or hose because they're only going to be coming off later, you know? Besides, I like a nice healthy breeze about my bits, you know?" Harry turned to look at the blank faces and then elbowed Snape, nodding suggestively, "_You know_, don't you Snape?"

They continued in this manner until sunset.

Then Harry brightly asked when they could "do this thing."

And Dumbledore replied, "Well, considering all these changes and the lack of sunlight, it appears we may have to wait until tomorrow."

"Well, darn," Harry replied dejectedly. "I guess I better go rest up? And you should too professor."

"So you should indeed," Dumbledore replied, "we will begin bright and early tomorrow, all right gentlemen?"

"All right," Harry agreed standing up, "good night to both of you."

"I suppose I should walk with Mr. Potter in order to ensure that he does not hurt himself," Snape added.

"I believe that would be a good idea," Dumbledore agreed, and he and Snape stood up and they all said their good byes.

Once outside Dumbledore's office, Snape grabbed Harry arm with his thin talon-like fingers and began walking briskly.

"Potter am I correct to assume that you do not in fact like the combination of burnt umber and pea green?"

"Very correct, sir," Harry replied, not sure where this was going.

"I have an Aunt," Snape hissed, his lips not moving, "she lives in Winchester, her name is Annabelle Delacroix. Tell her what is happening and she will take you in and protect you, I can assure you. However, you must get yourself out of here; I will not assist you in that."

Harry nodded his understanding and was released. They continued in silence until they reached the Gryffindor dorms, then Snape left him with a sharp nod.


	2. In which Harry and Co gets this party st

Two lines in this chapter were borrowed from the Natalie Portman Gangster rap, they are: You are a badass bitch **and **my dick is scared of you, girl. It was a skit for SNL (Saturday Night Live)and if anyone's interested I will gladly give you the link, because it totally rocks my socks off...

I also love **Irihi Safaia** and **laughing cat** for reveiwing

_In which Harry and Co. gets this party started_

Harry's mind went into overdrive, okay, so he just needed to get to Winchester without getting caught. He could get his invisibility cloak and sneak down to the broom sheds, get his broomstick and fly off…but Snape seemed to believe things weren't going to be that easy, and Harry was inclined to believe him.

He walked into the common room and was assaulted by his classmates.

"Snape and I are getting married tomorrow morning," Harry declared.

Silence…

Utter silence…

"WHAT!"

"Yeah," Harry replied, "just like that."

"They can't make you," Hermione exclaimed, horrified. Harry was glad to see his friends would indeed stick with him through everything…wait where was Ron during all this.

"Well…" Ron said slowly, "we'll just…have to…"

He looked to Hermione, and she hit gold. Harry wanted to marry _her_.

"Throw you a bachelor party!" It was clearly code for: get you the hell out of here.

"Would you really?" Harry asked, grinning, "Just for me?"

Everyone nodded, quickly.

So they marched, every last member of the Gryffindor House, down to the Hogwarts gates where they were faced with what appeared to be an entire army.

Harry, as it turned out, was not to leave.

"But," Hermione protested, in a vehement, innocent way, "He needs to have a bachelor party!"

"Why can't you have it here?" the lead guy asked.

"Because," Hermione replied, stomping her foot, "He lives here! He needs to get out for once in his life, before he gets tied down!"

"Hear, hear!" Seamus yelled.

"This might not work," Ron told Harry, tugging on his sleeve. "I guess we could have Hermione distract them and get you to the broom shed."

Harry decided it couldn't have been that bad of an idea if Ron, the amazing chess player, came up with it too.

"What on Earth is going on out here?" Dumbledore demanded.

"We're trying to take Harry out for a bachelor party!" Hermione all but screeched.

"Well, I'm afraid that's not possible," Dumbledore replied, and then Hermione slammed her hands on her hips tilted her head and stared at Dumbledore, her eyes saying: I know you did _not_ just say that.

"Let me explain this to you again," Hermione said slowly as though Dumbledore was an idiot child, her voice all business, "We _are_ _going to_ take Harry out for a bachelor party."

She took one step toward Dumbledore and continued, "And if you've got a problem with it you can shove it up your wrinkled. Old. Ass. Because this party is going to happen whether you let us or not, because I want to give Harry one night of fun before he gets tied down before his seventeenth birthday."

Hermione smiled, pulled out her wand, and brightly asked, "Okay?"

* * *

"Pity he made the guards come with us," Hermione said brightly, "now we won't be able to drink."

Harry and Ron were still staring at Hermione.

"Maybe I could persuade them to buy us some vodka or something though," Hermione continued in that same tone. "What do you think Harry?"

"Hermione," Harry replied, "you are a badass bitch."

"I try to help my friends when they need it," Hermione replied.

"You threatened Dumbledore," Ron reminded her.

"He needed it," Hermione replied, "Sometimes he forgets that Harry's just a kid."

"Well, I'm sure he'll remember that around you," Harry replied, "if he doesn't have you offed."

"I would love to see him try!" Hermione declared, her stance confident, as though she were offering up a challenge directly to Dumbledore himself. "I know things he probably can't remember because he's so old."

"Like what?" Ron asked.

Hermione smirked and just continued walking down to Hogsmeade.

"My dick is scared of you, girl," Dean mumbled to Ron and Harry as Hermione walked off.

Once they caught up with her again, she explained the plan to them.

They were going to do a sad, sad version of a pub crawl because there was only the Hog Head and the Three Broomsticks and they were going to get the guards drunk, during all this, Ginny and her newest boyfriend, no one was quite sure who that was were going to break into the broom shed and get his broomstick—Harry was convinced that he had come up with a good plan or a really simple one. Then Ginny or her boyfriend would fly it down here, they send Harry off and put a glamorie on Hermione so that they don't go looking for him. Then the next morning Hermione would reveal that HA! She wasn't Harry and Harry was long gone—in your FACE Dumbledore!

"And if that doesn't work, and mind, it probably won't," Hermione finished, "and then we'll just have to fight your way out of here."

Harry looked around at the vast array of guards currently watching him and wasn't sure that would be the best idea.

"Actually," Hermione murmured thoughtfully, "that might just work."

"You're nuts," Ron informed her.

"Quite possibly," Hermione replied with a sly grin.

Then one of the guard called out to them, "What are you three talking about up there?"

"Gay sex," Hermione replied, "technicalities and maneuvers, could we get a little privacy here? Or do you want to report on this to your mother, I'm sure she'll be interested."

The man coughed and let them continue talking.

"See what I have to look forward to?" Harry muttered, "Except I won't be able to this because Snape can control my free will."

Hermione choked on her drink and said, "The more I hear about this bond, the less I like it."

Then Ginny appeared, flushed, with her lips slightly bruised. Harry hoped it was that new boyfriend.

"We got it," She declared, "you guys just need to go down to the Hogs Head and then things will start getting interesting."

"All right," Hermione replied, and she glanced at the guards, "what do you say guys?" She looked between Ron and Harry.

Harry took a deep breath knowing that perhaps this would be the last time he could make his own decisions and declared, "It's Showtime."


	3. In which Harry decides anything is a bet

I would like to thank **atropahaven, bleack perla, I Am the Bunny Slayer,** and** akuma river **for reveiwing 

**Laughing cat: **www .nbc. com/Video /videos/snl1439 natalieraps. shtml (it has spaces in it)there it is, and I personally think the person who says it in this video is much funnier than the HP crowd…and you might have to listen a few times to catch all the words, but, if you don't want to wait, there are several different lyric interpretations though they're pretty much all the same…just type in Natalie Portman gangster rap in any search engine (and maybe add lyrics, whatever works...)

**Timydamonkey:** My Hermione does rock doesn't she/sighs/ I should write an alternate fic where Harry can't get away and have to do something during the wedding, then he could blow up the crowd /grins/ anyway, enjoy this installment! --Hoemoo

**Alyce of the Togas:** I fully agree this moves rather quickly, the pace doesn't slow either until the chase is entirely over, but I meant for it to be almost exactly like a normal forced bond fic…you can blame Snape, he screwed it, you saw that he made it funny didn't you? Perfectly serious, kinda, then Snape opened his mouth (that's a Draco/Harry fic isn't it? Then he opened his mouth…?) Why did the title get an eyebrow raise?

**Irihi Safia: **I know Hermione has a _bit_ of an attitude in this fic, she's also a bit of an anti-male later…she's just completely OOC…to others /laughs/ I totally see her being this bitchy all the time, and of course you got a shout out, you were the first reviewer (kudos btw). But actually, this fic is finished, I'm just pacing the chapters out…for anticipation—is it working?

**Jules41:** Funny you should mention Make a Wish, a friend of mine sent me clips of that fic after I sent her clips of this while I was writing—funny stuff.

_In which Harry decides anything is a better ride than Snape, even a Floo_

OR

_In which Harry finds a better use for his fame…kicking ass_

Hermione announced it was time to go to the Hogs Head, and so they all stood up and bustled out. Harry ended up somewhere in the middle of the crowd of Gryffindors when his broomstick as shoved into his hands.

Harry didn't quite know how it happened, but all Hell broke loose. He was suddenly faced with the lead guard guy who snatched his broomstick out of his hands just as quick as it'd gotten there. Harry could see Hermione struggling violently while four of the grown men tried to wrestle her down.

"That's enough of this," the lead guy told Harry, "this little farce is over now."

It happened almost in slow motion; the man lifted Harry's broom and then slammed it down over his knee, where it broke cleanly into two pieces. Harry felt anger well u within him—he would not, could not, _will not_ become Snape's little slave even if it would kill Voldemort. Harry numbly watched, separated from his body as the lead guy gave him the two pieces of wood back…

Harry's body shook from rage and from the corner of his eye he could see Hermione kicking at the guards.

Then Harry glared up at the man and dropped the bristled end of the broomstick and grasped the other piece, hard.

The man turned and Harry slammed the stick down on the man's head, and then once more. The man stumbled and Harry struck once more, the man fell out cold. Then Neville, of all people, punched one of the men holding Hermione.

Harry pulled his wand and began throwing every spell he could think of at the guards surrounding him. He once caught sight of Malfoy throwing a blasting spell at a guard who was ganging up on Ginny and one of her year mates. He wasn't quite sure why Malfoy was here, but what the hell right? He was helping Harry, right?

After tossing a cutting spell at one of the more muscular guards, Harry's arm was grabbed and he found himself being pulled down the streets of Hogsmeade surrounded by a group of Gryffindors and Malfoy.

"We're retreating," Hermione told Harry between breaths, she was the one holding his arm.

Then Malfoy stopped and kicked down someone's door.

An old woman stood there, looking terrified.

"Excuse me, my dear woman," Malfoy said smoothly, "but we're commandeering your fireplace."

And so they did.

Hermione grabbed a bit of floor power and pulled Harry into the fireplace with her, and she yelled, "St. Mungo's, floor 1, Creature-Induced Injuries!"

The stumbled out seconds later in front of several young healers and Hermione didn't wait for Harry to regain his balance before pulling him to his feet and running down the hallway to a stairwell.

There, they were stopped by some older healers.

"We need to get by, please," Hermione said impatiently, all the while still managing to sound polite.

One of the Healers looked at something behind them, and Harry turned to look too, a lot of the Gryffindors had followed them, and Harry wouldn't be surprised if the guards had too.

"Okay, you clearly don't know who I am!" Hermione yelled from next to him, fed up now, "I am Harry Potter's friend." Her finger jabbed into Harry's chest.

"Ow," Harry said pointedly in Hermione's direction as he rubbed his chest.

Hermione continued, "And Harry Potter needs to get through, right?" She glared down at Harry—when did she get taller than him?

"Yeah, so move," Harry told them, blandly.

And just as blandly, they moved aside…Hermione pulled Harry past them and they began quickly moving down the stairs.

"All right, you runts!" Someone yelled from above them, "Stop it right now."

"Damn mindless guards," Hermione cursed and pulled Harry to the rail and sat both of them down on it. It was a fast ride that made Harry's trousers twist around his legs and hips, but Hermione was going to be facing some serious rail-rash because her skirt had ridden up.

They reached the bottom and Hermione jumped off shoving into a man with a cast over his entire leg, he tripped and fell, screaming, and Hermione tossed an apology to him over her shoulder.

They ended up at another fireplace and Hermione snatched some floo powder out of a new mother's hand and tossed it into the fireplace, grabbing Harry around his waist and pulling him in.

"Ministry of Magic Department of Magical Transport!"

And they were off once more. While they were sprawled on the floor Hermione said this and Magical Law Enforcement were the only departments she knew and it would probably be best if they didn't go there. They gathered themselves and began to walk away when Draco Malfoy fell through the floo.

"Those guards are going to be coming through right behind me," Malfoy announced, "We better get a move on."

Malfoy pushed himself to his feet and led the way out, "We'll have to use someone's personal floo, that way we can lock them out and they won't be able to get the floo record easily."

He nodded to a door and ran out, Hermione grabbed Harry's wrist and they followed him out.

Harry wasn't quite sure why they were even trusting Malfoy, but whatever…

Harry was not going to complain as long as Malfoy didn't turn him in.

Once in the hallway, they could soon hear the noise of the guards following them through the Floo.

"We need to get out of here," Hermione muttered as they ran.

"No," Draco replied, "we need them out of here, _we_ need to hide."

Typical Slytherin answer in Harry's opinion.

"There's a bathroom," Harry told them as they ran past it.

"Here's the women's," Hermione announced, stopping and tugging Malfoy back, "we'll hide in here, since you seem so partial to putting your tail between your legs."

"Can't help if that's where it is," Malfoy replied with a shimmy of his hips and in half a second Harry found himself shoved into a locked stall of a women's bathroom. He hadn't even gotten to explore first.

How did he get in here anyway?

"Keep you legs up Harry," Hermione told him.

"And closed," Malfoy snickered, "of course they've probably never been opened. I've never seen a Gryffindor go at it before marriage."

"I guess you're blind then Malfoy," Hermione retorted, the door opened and they all fell silent immediately. Harry could feel his heart beat and he held his breath. Randomly, he wondered if Snape would allow him to breathe if he got control of Harry's free will…

"No one in here," someone reported.

"Then what's all that heavy breathing?"

"Probably the lesbian ghost couple, I'd rather not risk walking in on them again."

Harry slammed his hands over his mouth and tried to laugh, he heard a light squeak from Hermione and the men gasped.

"Definitely the lesbian ghosts, let's get out of here before they try something."

They left.

Harry popped his head down and checked to make sure; Malfoy and Hermione were doing the same thing.

"All clear," Malfoy whispered, "so who raped you Granger? That's the only way a Gryffindor would loose it right?"

"You'd kill yourself if you knew," Hermione hissed back. "I might tell Harry later, so he could lord it over you."

"As if Potter could."

The door opened again, and Harry could easily see the legs of a man, he quickly popped his head back up.

"You clearly don't understand how important this is," a new man said, "you three are going to search each and every one of these stall before we declare this bathroom clear."

Harry began panicking and looked up at the wall behind him as stalls started being slammed open, there was of course no window, they were underground…Harry's stall was kicked open and Harry smiled.

"Lesbian ghost couple my ass," a rather severe looking man muttered dryly, his voice belonged to the third man. "Come on; get him we haven't got all day."

Hands groped into his stall, and he was pulled out and to his feet.

"So, Potter, where are your little friends?" The severe man demanded.

"Here bitch!" Hermione yelled, "_Incendio!"_

At the same time Malfoy yelled out, "_Sectumsempra_!"

Both spells hit the severe man, and Harry, in the moment, of distraction went slack, pulling the men holding him off balance. Harry elbowed one in the nose and kneed the other in the crotch, then Harry was free and the three of them skidded out into the hallway, wands out.

Several stunning spells, jelly-legs curses, and a few unknown ones that Malfoy tossed off lightly like they were pieces of lint on his jacket…one of said spells sent a man careening into a wall after slicing through his robes, skin, and quite possibly a bit of body tissue.

"Right," Hermione said, tossing a messy lock (of hair) over her shoulder and hexing one last man, "let's go."

They headed off down the hallway, checking every door they passed, most were locked those that weren't had no floo…Finally; they reached a door that was open, and led into an office with a floo. The occupancy problem was easily fixed.

"We're terribly sorry, sir," Hermione apologized as Harry and Malfoy bodily removed the man from the office, "but we're currently wanted, and you wouldn't want to get involved with some dangerous convicts like ourselves now would you?"

"You—you're Harry Potter!" The man said, as Harry and Malfoy released him in the hallway.

"Yeah, and he'll sign you and your family autographs if you go and find something else to do for a few minutes," Malfoy told him, "sound like a deal?"

"Oh, certainly, certainly," the man replied, apparently already forgetting that they were forcing him from his office, "I'll just contact you tomorrow then?" He asked shaking Harry's hand like a jackhammer.

Harry found himself wondering just how long his arm would last if it continued getting shook like that on a daily basis by random people.

"Yeah," Harry replied, trying to turn his wince into a smile, "that'll work."

Malfoy pulled the man off of Harry and they returned to the office, locking the door behind them.

"Where to?" Hermione asked holding a jar of floo powder aloft.

Harry grabbed a pinch and tossed it into the fireplace, then he wrapped his arm around Hermione and the two of them stepped in.

"Diagon Alley!" Harry yelled, a few dizzying seconds later he and Hermione were thrown on the ground in a crowded public floo station.


	4. In which Draco realizes just how much he

I would like to thank **CrimsonTearsOfPain, chrisproffitt, black Perla, bandsecutiyaw, **and **Irihi Safia** for reviewing

**akuma-river: **your mind's corrupt, there's no H/D, but I was toying with the idea for a second so there might be hints, I'm not sure…and I was thinking it kinda looked that way in parts.

**Chey: **rest assured they will not bond at all, in fact Harry's not going to bond with anyone…and Hermione's with someone already so she's not going to shack up with Harry.

**I am the Bunny Slayer:** Malfoy is Ginny's newest boyfriend, the one that was helping get Harry's broomstick, he decided to stick around and help out because he was trying to…get brownie points with Ginny…or something…and that is why he's here.

_In which Draco realizes just how much he doesn't know _

Then Malfoy landed on top of them.

People started to complain about the blockage of the floo, loudly.

"I'm bleeding Harry Potter!" Harry Potter yelled as he tried to free himself from Hermione and Malfoy, it had worked in the hospital...it might just work here,"So shut up!"

Then everyone stopped complaining and began gossiping. Harry wasn't sure which was worse.

Hermione started giggling for some insane reason while the three of them tried to untangle…Harry had lost his shoe somewhere, damnit.

"Bleeding Harry Potter," She snickered, "talk about talent."

Then Malfoy started laughing too, "That's actually pretty funny," he commented and he and Hermione crumpled into laughter like a bad soufflé…

"I'm getting new friends," Harry muttered. He felt very abused: first his father-figure decides he should marry/become slave to his enemy, then he was chased down by the people who were supposed to be holding up laws that should protect him, and then his friend starts laughing at him with his rival…

Yes, Harry's inner child was in deep turmoil.

Unfortunately, neither Harry nor his inner child were allowed sulking time, because Harry's missing shoe was shoved into his face and they were off running again.

They quickly wound their way through crowds and into the Leaky Cauldron, fully expecting the guards to yell after them again, but they didn't, and they emerged out onto the dark streets of muggle London.

"Where are you going now, Pothead?" Mafloy demanded as they lazily wandered down the street heading into London proper.

"I guess to Snape's aunt's house." Harry replied, "But I'm not so sure."

"Snape's aunt's is a good idea," Draco replied, "she's a great woman; she's one of the few people who can offer you sanctuary. She's got an old castle because it used to be a kingdom and her castle used to house many people so that they would be safe."

"So he can go there and not have to marry Snape?" Hermione asked, "And Dumbledore can't get at him?"

Malfoy nodded and added, "And he can stay there until he dies or gets married, or Snape gets married—whatever, he'll have sanctuary."

"Sounds good," Harry replied, "so how will we get there?"

"I'm pretty flooed out," Hermione declared, "could we get tickets on a train or something?"

"I guess we could," Harry replied, "but I only have magical money on me…"

"I don't have any money," Hermione replied, then with a sharp look at Malfoy, "on me."

Malfoy dug into his pocket and produced a wallet, which he opened and looked through, "I guess I could pay for the tickets, since you Gryffindors clearly aren't prepared to escape properly."

Hermione and Harry rolled their eyes and Malfoy tucked his wallet back into his pocket and they continued walking along.

"What are the odds that they find us, just out of curiosity?" Malfoy asked as they rounded a corner.

"Who knows?" Harry sighed. "We'll be walking all night won't we?"

"Probably," Hermione replied, "I don't know about you but I don't fancy being caught apparating underage and without a license, after just running off with Snape's future baby mama."

Malfoy lifted his eyebrow, and Harry genuinely hoped it was because he didn't know what a baby mama was.

"Shut up," Harry muttered to Hermione, "and keep walking."

/line here/

They sat on a bench eating chicken biscuits…well, Harry and Hermione were, and Malfoy was alternately dissecting his chicken biscuit and licking jelly out of the little plastic packets.

"So really," Malfoy asked again, "what does it mean?"

The lights in the station flickered off, they'd managed to get tickets and were halfway to Winchester, but they had a bit of a layover so they'd ran off to McDonalds, much to Draco's chagrin. Now they were back at the station and the sun was just now beginning to rise.

Hermione snickered and put her biscuit down on the wrapping it came in and replied, "Exactly what it says: baby's mother, Snape's baby's mother, basically the person who had his baby."

"Ooh," Draco hissed empathetically turning to look at Harry, "you have to have a baby?"

"Within eighteen months," Harry replied.

"Wow," Draco muttered and he calmly returned to licking jelly out of the little packet, "rotten luck you have."

Draco appeared to think about this for a moment and then asked, "Is that even possible?"

"I certainly hope not," Harry replied and he returned to tucking into his chicken biscuit. "Could you imagine the mechanics of it?" Harry asked disgusted.

"I'm eating!" Hermione yelled staring at Harry, "I don't need to think about the mechanics of a baby popping out from somewhere it shouldn't pop out of!"

The talk of babies "popping out" of places produced some disturbing images in Harry's mind...like projectile birth, which would be sort of like projectile vomiting except with a baby, and not out of a mouth…which produced even more disturbing images and Harry decided he needed to wash his brain out, quickly.

"I mean honestly," Hermione continued, indignant, "you two are such guys. Only sex and gross things interest you—next you'll start burping just for the fun of it."

Malfoy burped.

"Accident," He announced, "please continue."

Hermione glared deeply at him and rolled her eyes muttering, "Children."

"When was our train supposed to leave?" Harry demanded, popping the last bit of his breakfast into his mouth and balling up the paper it came wrapped in.

"It should be here soon," Hermione replied, sounding tired…all three of them were tired after an adrenaline charged night where they waited, owl-eyed, on their red-eye train ride for the train to stopped and all three of them to be snatched from their seats and dragged off to Hogwarts.

Harry was worried someone would be waiting for them on the other side of their trip…things had been going far too easily.

Their train was called and Malfoy looked up at the ceiling and demanded, "Where did that voice come from?"

"Magic," Hermione retorted, and then she remembered who she was talking to, "electricity and radio waves."

Malfoy looked more horrified than he did when she suggested muggles could use magic.

She grabbed Malfoy's arm and pulled him to his feet. "Let's go. We're going to miss the train."

They made their way into their seats and Malfoy continued eyeing the ceilings of the train as though it would start talking any second, which of course it did.

"Christ Malfoy, would you chill?" Hermione demanded, "Nothing's going to hurt you."

"Except for terrorists," Harry replied, "with bombs."

"What are those?" Malfoy demanded.

"Terrorists?" Harry asked, "Or bombs?"

"Both of them," Malfoy replied, "what in hell are those?"

"Muggles and muggle devices," Harry replied calmly, "respectively."

"But what are terrorists?" Malfoy demanded horrified.

"They're like ninjas," Harry replied, "except they don't have throwing stars or sabers."

"Ninjas?" Malfoy demanded, like he didn't believe that was a word.

"They're like Jedis," Hermione replied, catching onto what Harry was doing, "except they're dressed in black and they don't have light sabers."

Malfoy looked dreadfully confused, and Harry began snickering…in his mind, it would give him away if he did it out loud and he looked to Hermione, who was also laughing in her mind, and he felt great satisfaction within his sleep deprived mind.

"I'm really tired," Harry said, and then he yawned.

"Me too," Hermione replied, "besides we have been up all night, and if we do get caught we need to be somewhat rested…we should assign watches."

"Rock, paper, scissors?" Harry asked.

"Is this some sort of torture device?" Malfoy demanded.

Hermione raised her eyebrows and replied, "Not quite…"

She began to explain the game to him, with Harry jumping in halfway through to explain what scissors were.

"I think I've got it," Malfoy declared, and his held his hand out with his fist over it, "let's go."

"Loser gets first watch," Harry added, "rock, paper, scissors."

"I win," Hermione declared, and she settled back into her chair, closing her eyes. "Good morning, boys."

"Let's go, Malfoy," Harry replied.

"Rock, paper, scissors."

Harry had rock and Malfoy had paper.

"Best two out of three?" Harry asked.

"What?"

"We play twice more and the winner of the majority of the games gets the watch," Harry explained, "what do you think?"

"I suppose so," Malfoy replied and they played twice more, Harry came out on top both times.

Harry laughed in victory and then curled up in his chair and went to sleep.

"Damn Gryffindors," Malfoy yawned and he managed to stay awake for a good twenty minutes or so before nodding off himself.


	5. In Which Everything Turns Out All Right

Thanks to everyone who reviewed I apprecaite it!

And I'm sorry to report that from here on the chapters only get shorter, but I'm thinking I might do an alternate thing where Harry and Co. get caught and Harry has to escape from the wedding...time will tell

_In which everything turns out all right_

"Kids," someone said, "hey kids, wake up."

Harry blearily opened his eyes and looked up at a man who was holding a laptop case in one hand and a briefcase in the other.

"I just thought you should know this stop is Winchester," The man added, "didn't want you to miss your stop."

"Thank you," Hermione replied, tiredly, "We appreciate it."

"How did he know where we were going?" Malfoy demanded.

"Because you were yelling about how expensive tickets to Winchester were," Harry replied yawning, "come let's go before we get pegged as stowaways. Besides Malfoy, weren't you supposed to be keeping watch?"

"Shut up," Malfoy replied, and they all stumbled off the train into the busy morning rush…

"So, which way is Snape's Aunt's house?" Harry asked.

"It'll take us a bit to get there," Malfoy replied, "she doesn't really live in the city."

They reached the street.

"This way," Malfoy declared and he started walking in that direction.

"Wait Malfoy," Hermione called, from her place next to a cab, "just how much muggle money do you have?"

A twenty minute cab ride later they were stopped outside massive gates, and Hermione slowly got out of the cab and looked around to see if they would be ambushed.

They were…by a house elf.

"Oh! Missus Delacroix has been expecting yous!" The little elf exclaimed excitedly.

Malfoy and Harry slide out of the taxi and after paying the driver they were led into the house by the over-eager house elf.

"Missus has been very concerned, she is reading the news now, and will be pleased, very, very pleased to see yous safe and sound!"

They staggered up a very long driveway, half-listening to the house elf. And Harry wondered if they were all this long winded or if Harry just met the ones that were.

Then a massive house began to appear over the hill they were walking up. It was huge, a small castle, built out of stone. It was quite foreboding actually.

A bit more of a hike later and they actually reached the stupid castle. The three exhausted teens leaned against the railing along the stairs that led up to massive doors.

Harry began envisioning a dark, evil looking woman as being Snape's aunt. With a crooked nose and gleefully grinning at their exhaustion because of the walk up here…

The door was opened quickly by a teenage girl who looked between the four of them, her smile faltering slightly after a moment.

"Hi," She said after a moment, "come in, I guess."

The house elf led them inside and continued blathering away at something, the place was eerily quiet, but as they walked past a door they could hear children reciting something.

"Mips is wondering if yous want breakfast or sleep first?" the house elf asked.

"Breakfast," The three of them replied, like the teens they are.

"This way!" The elf exclaimed. And they appeared in a busy dining room, where an old woman sat at the head of a large table reading the Daily Prophet.

They were quickly seated, but remained unnoticed by the woman. A few human servants brought them dishes of breakfast and they slowly began eating, and the woman never once looked up from her newspaper.

The house elf went to stand behind her and quietly waited for something.

Someone said, softly, "I told you never to disturb me during my morning read."

The house elf leaned closer to the woman and murmured something; the woman flipped a few pages and then asked, "Are they here?"

"Yes, missus!" The elf chirped. The woman lowered the paper and revealed the kind, grandmotherly face of Annabelle Delacroix.


	6. In which Hermione gets screwed over

_In which Hermione gets screwed (over)_

OR

_In which Hermione and Draco get waffled for life_

"I mainly take on children," She explained to Harry, Draco, and Hermione, "but they grow up eventually and so I do have some adults as well. Now then, you might have to share rooms, I have a grandson who I'm sure won't mind accommodating one of you boys."

"Oh, no, Ma'am," Draco exclaimed, "Not all three of us are going to be staying here."

"Just Harry," Hermione replied, "We need to go back to school."

"Are you sure that's wise, dear?" Annabelle Delacroix asked curiously, "I'm not sure that would be the best thing for the three of you, after all you've been involved in. I can assure you that you will be severely punished for this and I can provide you with sufficient protection until the danger passes."

Harry looked at Hermione who appeared perfectly horrified at the prospect that she wouldn't be able to return to school and Draco seemed to be so perfectly smitten with the waffles he was eating that he couldn't care less. Harry was sure that within Malfoy's mind he was singing a song about how much he loved waffles…

"I can't help but think," Annabelle Delacroix continued, "that you two would get into far worse trouble than all of your friends who were caught last night, I'm merely thinking about your protection. Dear," she looked to Hermione, "if you're worried about your education I have fantastic tutors here who will continue your education at your leisure."

"Well, um…" Hermione began, and then she chewed on her lip nervously, "I guess that would be all right…"

"She's got a boyfriend," Draco explained, and Hermione turned bright red.

"You've got a girlfriend," Hermione shot back.

"So I do," Draco replied, his eyebrow rising, "_so I do_…"

"You're such a male," Hermione scoffed, tossing her head back.

"And I take great pride it," Draco replied.

Hermione rolled her eyes and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like: only a boy could take pride in being something despicable.

Draco stuffed his mouth with waffles, and Harry looked away lest he gag. He couldn't quite remember Malfoy being this messy an eater.

"Raeburn!" Annabelle Delacroix exclaimed, "Good morning darling!"

Harry and Hermione looked over to the doorway, where an auburn haired boy about their age stood, looking completely shocked by their presence.

"I don't think I've seen you at Hogwarts," Hermione said softly.

"That's because Raeburn—" Annabelle Delacroix began and was quickly chastised by Raeburn with a sharp "Grandma!" but Annabelle Delacroix took no notice of him, "isn't enrolled in Hogwarts. He was really interested in attending so I had him granted permission to remain here with me, right Raeburn, darling?"

"Grandma you know I hate being called that," he mumbled, Harry almost didn't hear him.

"But that's your name, Raeburn," Annabelle Delacroix replied.

"And so is Kael," Raeburn replied, "Why can't you call me that?"

Annabelle Delacroix didn't find this worthy of a response or she didn't hear him, because she continued on as though she hadn't heard him at all.

"This is my grandson Raeburn Kael Delacroix," Annabelle Delacroix introduced him; "he lives here with me because his father and mother died several years ago. Raeburn this is Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Draco Malfoy I'm going to be granting them sanctuary after the ministry opens."

Raeburn looked up at them shyly and said, "Call me Kael."


	7. In which Dumbledore gets what's coming

I'm sorry it took me so long guys, this file was on my comp and the internet has been broken for a few weeks...but I know this is sort of anticlimatic...but I am seriously considering writing that spin-off story and/or a continuation...we'll have to see...

_In which Dumbledore gets what's coming_

"So when does the ministry open exactly?" Harry asked, bored out of his mind—he, Hermione, and Draco had been banished upstairs to Kael's room. Kael hadn't spoken another word since he'd asked to be called by his middle name at breakfast.

"Ten," Kael's quiet voice replied, "Grandma will probably call you down once she's announced your sanctuary so you can explain why you need it."

"Why didn't she ask us to explain it earlier?" Hermione asked him as she picked something up off the floor and placed it on the desk she was leaning against. Harry leaned back to see what it was exactly and was disappointed that it was just a picture of Snape, Annabelle Delacroix and two other people…probably Kael's dead parents.

"Because Grandma gets fired up easily," Kael replied, in his quiet voice, Harry wondered vaguely if he had been cursed so that he couldn't raise his voice, "and besides that it's easier to take sanctuary away than it is to give it. Grandma's lucky she was a former Minister or else she wouldn't be able to do things this way."

"So," Draco said, dangling a leather leash in front of him, he'd probably retrieved it from the terribly messy floor, "what's this then?"

"I have a dog," Kael replied, "two actually, hellhounds."

Draco pouted and cursed, "Damn, thwarted."

Draco dropped the leash and the silence again pervaded the room.

The door opened and there was the house elf, Mips.

"Missus needs yous downstairs now," the house elf declared.

Harry, Hermione and Draco stood up and headed downstairs, the house elf explaining how happy it was to have them joining the household.

They reached the living room and found it full of press, high ranking officials, and Albus Dumbledore. The latter was staring at Harry like he'd never seen him before.

"Okay, dear," Annabelle Delacroix beckoned Harry over to her, "explain why you need sanctuary."

"um…well," Harry replied as he walked over to the very grandmotherly Annabelle Delacroix. "Dumbledore was going to make me marry Snape."

There was a momentary silence and then the glass Annabelle Delacroix was holding cracked, she calmly asked, "which Snape?"

"Severus Snape," Hermione replied quietly before Harry could get to it.

The glass shattered, wine spilled onto the floor.

Annabelle Delacroix calmly pushed Harry behind her and rounded on Dumbledore.

Shit hit the fan.

_**Je fini maintenant**_

And that's it...for now, maybe not...who knows...


End file.
